My fight with R.A.

16 years ago I was diagnosed with a crippling disease; Austin was only 2 months old when it first hit. I remember the pain I felt in my hands as I struggled to lift him and vowed at that point I would not let this ruin my life. I have to admit I have done well learning to deal with it, until recently. I was in a minor car accident the Saturday after Thanksgiving and jammed my right wrist. Since then I have been having flare-ups that haven't been this way in years. It's as if the accident reopened the wound and now it is attacking in full force again. I don't know how to change my life to accommodate this disease, and I don't know where to find the strength I need to get through this. I will admit I have taken a lot for granted over the past 16 years, some days (like today) something as simple as turning on the shower, or making a pot of coffee is extremely challenging. The past month has been horrible as far as my arthritis goes; Christmas Eve was probably the worst day I've experienced in the past 13 years. I woke up early knowing I had a lot to prepare and low and behold my hands didn't want to move. I struggled through the day trying everything I knew how to get through the cooking and baking that had to be done. I was assigned to bring crackers and a cheese ball to our annual Christmas party, which normally wouldn't have been a problem but I couldn't even open the cream cheese without tearing up! Tim thankfully noticed my pain and offered to open the remaining packages of cream cheese (and then I got the lecture of "all you have to do is ask and I will do it for you"); determined not to give up, I attempted cutting up green onions, this task was too much - I couldn't put any pressure on the knife and ended up an emotional wreck. Tim luckily stepped in and did this part too. That is when it really hit me hard that I had to make some major changes and learn how to ask for help. Last week I finally got an X-ray done on my wrist... The results were not what I was prepared to hear. My RA has moderate to severely deteriorated the joints in my hand and wrist, meaning there is nothing I can do to alleviate the pain except for joint replacement surgery! How on earth am I supposed to accept something like this?

Quotes for today

Sometimes I think my life would make a great TV movie.  It even has the part where they say, "Stand by. We are experiencing temporary difficulties."  ~Robert Brault

A hug is worth a thousand words. ~Author Unknown

Keep your fears to yourself but share your courage with others.  ~Robert Louis Stevenson

Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. ~Franklin P. Jones

Lost

Over the past two years I somehow feel like I have lost myself.  It all started 9/11/09 - I got laid off from my job of 7 years, 01/2010 - Found a new job, 04/2010 - Laid off from new job, 05/2010 - Shailyn had her accident and that changed everything.  I spent the summer of 2010 being a full time nurse / Mom, on shift 24 hours a day and running to various specialists, in September 2010 the kids went back to school, Shailyn still had 2-3 doctor appointments a week and so I was still busy the majority of the time.  January 2011 - I wasn't needed as much as I was before, and I believe that is when I started feeling lost.  June 2011 the kids were out of school and I was needed once again.  Now the kids are back in school, Shailyn is well on her way with recovery (Yes, we still have many appointments but they are more like check-ups now - just to make sure things are going the way they are supposed to.)  and I feel lost!  I don't know what to do with myself half the time and don't feel needed as I once did.  The kids can all take care of themselves, I know my presence is needed but they don't need help with anything other than homework these days!  I guess I am at a turning point, and need to choose a direction to go.  I just hope I can find that direction soon because I feel so lost right now!

Kaysie hit her first homerun today!!!

Wow!  What a proud moment for Kaysie!  She had her last 2 games of the season today and ended it with her first homerun!  Congratulations Kaysie! 

(Unfortunately I was too excited to remember to take a picture of her homerun)

On another note, it wouldn't be a week at the Polad house if someone wasn't injured or seeing a doctor... Tim got smacked by a softball on the field today, right in his ribs!  Jordan, who is one of our strongest hitters hit the ball right at him, as he tried jumping out of the way it slammed right into him!  He scared me to death, collapsing after it hit him - but all is well... he'll just be sore for 10 days or so.

Austin goes to Homecoming!

I can't believe Austin is old enough to be going to a high school dance! 

His school did a masquerade and he had a blast; he told me he learned how to cha-cha, the macarena (spelling?), and a couple other dances.  So glad he had a good time!

Back to the Doctor's :(

Just when I think things are getting back to normal... I took Shailyn in for a physical today and she has lost hearing in her left ear.  Since this is the side that her TMJ joint was shattered they think it may have something to do with her accident.  We are trying antibiotics (and hoping by some miracle she has an ear infection that is causing this, although the doctor couldn't see one)... after 30 days if she is still having problems they want me to take her to yet another specialist (by the time this is all over I may actually know what all the specialists names stand for!) and her Pediatrician's guess is she will require another surgery.  Poor Shailyn!  I never imagined 18 months later we would be looking at new problems!

They also want me to take her back to Physical Therapy... THREE TIMES A WEEK!  Ugh! I am so tired of sitting in waiting rooms, but of course I will do whatever is necessary to get her back to normal.  She has scar tissue growing again on her thigh muscle, which apparently will continue to be a problem until she is done growing.   I would really like to go on a vacation from doctors in general- at least for a few months!  I don't know how to manage my time anymore, but I am sure somehow I will figure this out.  

The good news, Shailyn's growth and BMI are normal!  She is short for her age and the doctor estimates she will be somewhere between 5'0 and 5'2".  Lucky for her, she likes being "vertically challenged" :)

The Year I missed...

January 2011 - Kaysie played for the Jr. Jazz

April 2011 - Austin played soccer for Spectrum Academy High

May 2011 - I went with Shailyn's class on a walking field trip uptown

May 2011 - Shailyn did her Country Report on Switzerland

 June 2011 - We had the Polad Family Reunion

Kaysie made the Taylorsville All-Star Softball team!  She played starting catcher!

Tim turned 40!!